Category Archives: 3 Star
Okay, I know what you’re thinking. Iron Wolf looks terrible, how can it get a three moustache rating? Well, first, it was terrible. It probably should be about a two, maybe a two and a half, but that’s probably stretching things. It earned three moustaches from me because of the entire movie watching experience.
This movie is so cheesy already, I feel I need to go back to the start and live tweet it… #IronWolf
— Greg Switzer (@G_Switzer) March 2, 2018
So I did live Tweet the movie… A few days later, the director noticed! Click the various links to see my full thoughts (and jokes) about Iron Wolf!
You are THE MAN! 😀 So funny. Loved it! ❤ pic.twitter.com/lzozEpECNO
— David Brückner 📹@GamesCom (@ghostpictures) March 6, 2018
I had a great time watching it, even though it was bad… and very flawed at times. The silver lining here is that the director, cast and crew were all genuinely involved in the film and tried their best. I applaud the effort despite the fact that the final product fell a bit short of the mark. The whole idea of a werewolf as a military weapon isn’t that crazy…. okay, maybe it is, but it’s a fun idea to launch a story. Aren’t all stories really just “what ifs?”
Bottom Line: Iron Wolf has a 2.5/10 rating on IMDb, but director David Brückner’s 2018 film Paranormal Demons has an 8.1/10 rating. I’m not really a big fan of horror, but I’m curious to pick it up and see his craft five years later.
This may have been the quirkiest film I’ve seen in quite a while. It wasn’t exactly as advertised, but it paid off in the end.
Gunther is the world’s greatest assassin, so to make a name for themselves, a group of assassins sets out to assassinate him, but their plans turn into a series of bungled encounters as Gunther seems to always be one step ahead. The story is told as a mockumentary, which wasn’t exactly what I expected, but the format helped to cleverly mask the low budget of the film.
Killing Gunther was funny enough, and there was enough light action to carry the story but it didn’t really get going until Gunther (Schwarzenegger) made his eventual appearance. This is the value a true star can bring to your film. He wasn’t wasted, and his performance did elevate that of the entire cast, but it took a bit too long to get to him. I liked Schwarzenegger in this one because it seemed like he was there to have fun, and just make a fun little film…with assassinations. Unfortunately the shooting style can turn off some, and the fact that Arnold isn’t seen until the last third of the movie makes the wait a little tedious at times.
Bottom Line: As long as you don’t go into this thinking it’s a Schwarzenegger film, you should be okay. Don’t have super high expectations and you can enjoy a quirky little bit of cinema.
I think Atomic Blonde was a little over-hyped, and that was the beginning of its downfall for me. I thought it was too stylish, and too concerned with the perfect “cool” shot than advancing the story. It is entirely possible that I’m a little jaded though. To me it was built up to be the next great spy film, and the titular Atomic Blonde was to be a “female James Bond”, but it just seemed too artsy to be a great spy film. It was entertaining, and there were things I enjoyed, but there were things that just frustrated me and kept me from loving this film the way I thought I was told to.
Set in the Cold War against the backdrop of the Berlin Wall, Charlize Theron plays Lorraine Broughton, an undercover MI6 agent sent to investigate the murder of a fellow agent named Gascione and recover a missing list of double agents. In Berlin she meets up with David Percival (James McAvoy), the lead field agent to try and recover the list of agents, and to discover the mole or double agent (code named “Satchel”) in their midst. The film is sort of told in reverse, which is a style I don’t really like for these sorts of stories. We open on Lorraine in London, being brought in for debriefing by MI6 after the mission in Berlin. After we’re quickly introduced to the principal players, we know that Satchel is going to be A or B, but I did have doubts for a minute that it may have been C….literally “C”, as in Chief “C” played by James Faulkner. Then we get the debriefing and the main story is told essentially in flashback. My problem with this style of storytelling for this sort of movie is that we now know Lorraine will not die during the course of the adventure. Sure, enjoyment can be found in the ride but the element of surprise and suspense is kind of ruined.
For a film that was touted as being a great and revolutionary action film, I didn’t really find it to have that much action. Sure there were fight scenes and they were fairly realistic; in so much that people got hurt and weren’t invincible; but there were great lulls too and the great action sequences I thought I was promised took far too long to be realized. There was a “long cut” fight, as those have become really popular all of a sudden, and it was cool, but I couldn’t help but think that it was just there to force the “coolness” and the style of the film.
There were positives and it was entertaining, but there were just too many clichés for me by the time the film ended, like the French spy. She was way too cliché as the love struck, doe eyed rookie, who’s in over her head. The film did do a decent job with it’s switchero, but it was still a little obvious who Satchel was. I suppose the worst thing was that the film wasn’t overly original for something that was seemingly being hyped up as a new leader in the genre. I didn’t really care about Lorraine’s character, partially because she didn’t seem developed or overly interesting, and partially because I knew she’d make to the end of the film.
I don’t know if I’m the only one who does this, but when I get frustrated with a movie I start to look for plot holes and more ways to not the film. I started to get that way with Atomic Blonde. My biggest problem was that with this flurry of agents from all sides trying to get the mythical “list” and figure out who Satchel is, they overlook that there are people who know who Satchel is. Gascione, Percivale, and Spyglass have all had the list at some point. Percivale has definitely read it, Spyglass has it memorized, so logically, all three of them know who Satchel is, but none of them call it in? Anyway, the movie was entertaining, it was actually pretty good, but it wasn’t great like I was led to believe it would have been.
Bottom Line: The most disgusting part of the movie happens in the very beginning. Lorraine is soaking her injuries in a bathtub full of ice before going to her debriefing. She gets out of the tub, pours a drink and adds some icecubes to it before drinking. THOSE ICECUBES CAME FROM THE DIRTY TUB WATER SHE WAS SOAKING HER BLOODY, DIRTY BRUISES IN!
If you’re a long time reader, you’ll know I run a video store. How else do you think I get to see all these great (and sometimes not so great) movies? Over the years we’ve noticed a few things. First, celebrities die all the time, and second when they die, their movies or albums instantly becomes popular. We are usually flooded with calls from customers asking if we have anything and everything by the late celeb. It’s funny because often these customers claim to be the biggest fans but don’t actually own anything by the artist in question… A number of years ago we realized we had to immediately dedicate display space when an actor died so that customers could find what they were looking for. One year, we were sitting down, doing a “year in review” meeting and the topic of dead celebrities came up, and that’s when our own Dead Pool began. If you’re not familiar with the concept, here it is: before a given deadline you make up a list of celebrities you think will die in the coming year. Each one you guess correctly gets you points. Yes it is rather morbid, but we do mean it in good fun. We have rules, and one of them is that you cannot murder any of your chosen celebrities, because that’s cheating, and cheating is wrong. Murdering a celebrity you’ve chosen in a Dead Pool though is exactly what Killing Hasselhoff is all about.
Chris is the owner of a nightclub but when his club burns down, his fiancé leaves him, his life falls further into shambles when a loan shark he owes money to calls in the debt. The only way Chris can raise the money is to win the Celebrity Dead Pool that he’s in. And the only way he can win it is if David Hasselhoff dies. So he sets out to murder the Hoff.
The movie wasn’t quite as bad as my rating, or as you would think it would be. For a comedy it wasn’t very funny, at least not until the last fifteen minutes. From there, it was very funny, and I laughed quite a bit, but until the, I might have only chuckled once or twice. Hasselhoff was pretty good, playing just a giant caricature of himself and his celebrity status, and Ken Jeong (who I think is rather underrated as an actor) was good in the lead. The supporting cast seemed to be a lot of Comedy Central talents, and their roles and lines seemed to be tailor made for them, which may not have been a good thing. Don’t write a line (or a role, or a script) for a comedian, write a funny line for any actor. If they happen to be a comedian, your joke should go over even better. Just my opinion.
Most of the script was vulgar and childish, but if you’re willing to wait for the laughs, or if you’re a big fan of The Hoff, you should be able to find some mild entertainment with it.
Bottom Line: Fortunately it was only 80 minutes long, because that first hour was really kind of painful. Also, I’m leading the Dead Pool at work again. RIP Hugh Hefner.
At the height of the Cold War the Soviet Union developed a top secret program to give them an edge in what they thought would be the future of war; they were tasked with creating superhumans in Project Patriot. A scientist involved in the project goes rogue and creates a clone army and tries to take over the world, so it’s up to these superhuman operatives to come together and stop him; they are the Guardians.
The bonus features on the DVD told a lot about this movie. First, comic books (and comic book superheroes) aren’t big in Russia, so this movie was not trying to compete with the Marvels or the DCs of the world, and they weren’t trying to compete with a $300 million movie, they were just trying to make the best movie they could with the budget they had. As a superhero movie, it was definitely a B, maybe even a C, but justified by those previous statements, they get an A for effort. The special effects were quite good, there was a lot of CGI in the film for obvious reasons. The characters were not fleshed out very well, but the powers they gave them and way they used them were quite interesting. You had Arsus (Anton Pampushnyy), the were-bear with a mini-gun; Khan (Sanjar Madi) with razor sharp sickles, and he was either really fast or could teleport, it was a bit confusing at times… Kseniya (Alina Lanina) has no memory of how she got her powers of invisibility; and Ler (Sebastien Sisak Grigoryan) who seems to be the elder statesman and leader of the team can control rocks. The whole project is overseen by Mayor Elena Larina (Valeriya Shkirando). Quite a few of the command staff of Project Patriot seemed to be sexy Russian women….not necessarily a bad thing.
Arsus looked really cool, and would evolve into different degrees of were-bear-ness…. The mini-gun was a fun touch. I really liked how they used Ler’s powers over rocks (I suppose that would be geokinesis). At first he just threw them at people and levitated them, but then he started to attract them to his body, making rock armour, giant rock fists like the Thing from the Fantastic Four. Loved it, that was super original! Things like that made up for a few of the flubs they made on the script. At one point the team is walking across a bridge structure and are being shot at by snipers, why not have your girl turn the team invisible before walking out in the open like that? They already explained that was in Kseniya’s power-set… I think this is where the lack of exposure to these types of stories hurt their film.
I could see this becoming a minor cult classic because it’s quirky, fun, decently made, and they tried. I can’t stand it when someone tries to force their film into cult-classic status by purposely making a bad movie. A great number of cult classics may be bad, but they truly intended to make a good movie. Guardians was a good movie and a fun watch; not the best, but it wasn’t trying to match up to the best.
Bottom Line: It may not have been a big time super hero movie, but it did adopt the tradition of an after the credits scene. I’d certainly watch a sequel if they made one.
Victoria was a gimmick film, plain and simple. It was shot in real time and in one long continuous take, without any cuts, without any re-dos. On that front it succeeded fairly well. As a story, it was a little lacking. Victoria (Laia Costa) is a young Spanish woman living in Berlin, who after a solo night at a club meets up with four guys who describe themselves as “real Berliners” and offer to show her the true city and where to have a good time. They get some beers and head up on a roof, smoke some cigarettes and eventually split up. Sonne (Frederick Lau) has really taken a liking to Victoria and takes her back to the cafe she works at that she needs to open in a few hours. As they flirt and chat one Sonne gets a phone call from one of the guys from earlier in the night called Boxer (Franz Rogowski), he needs Sonne’s help for something, and arrives at the cafe very agitated. Boxer was in jail before and owes the guy who protected him while he was on the inside. Now he needs Sonne to help him with some sort of illegal activity to pay back that debt that requires a four man team. When one of the group is way too drunk to be of any use, Victoria agrees to be their getaway driver. Crime and punishment come quickly as we creep into the early hours of morning.
From a filmmaking point of view, Victoria was ambitious and I’d have to say a success. The film was 2 hours and 20 minutes, so they didn’t just try and rush through their “one take” experiment, they grabbed it by the horns and went all out. Watching it though, I noticed a few clever little tricks they did to get their cast a little bit of rest. I applaud the effort and the skill involved in making it, the planning, the organization, the timing all were impeccable. Having a loose outline for the script and improvising a lot of the dialogue really helped make this film happen. All that said, the film was great, but the movie wasn’t. If it was filmed as a traditional movie, it would have had a more polished script which would have helped a great deal. All in all, I’m glad I watched it though.
Bottom Line: My biggest complaint was the DVD didn’t have subtitles, and for that I blame Mongrel Media. Let me clarify though, it was subtitled when the characters were speaking German or Spanish, but there was no subtitle track or closed captioning for the English dialogue. For a film like Victoria, there were no boom mics to pickup the sound, so a lot of the dialogue wasn’t very clear. Being able to “cheat” and have the subtitles on would have been a nice option. Also for such an experimental film, I was very disappointed that the DVD had no bonus features.
From James Gunn, the writer and director of Guardians of the Galaxy (Volumes One and Two!) comes the twisted social experiment known as The Belko Experiment. Eighty employees of the Belko company arrive for work one morning, and are locked in their office building. An anonymous voice comes over the PA system telling them that they have to kill thirty of their co-workers in an hour, and if they don’t sixty of them will be killed instead. Some of the workers try to hide, some try to escape, and some turn violent. Factions are formed, leaders are chosen, and people die. When some of the workers try to make contact with the outside world one of their heads is remotely blown up, proving this experiment is not just a game.
The Belko Experiment was graphic, violent, suspenseful but also repetitive. Was it realistic though? Were these the reactions people would have in this admittedly absurd situation? Yeah, it was probably pretty accurate. James Gunn apparently came up with the idea for the script in a dream, and if this is what his dreams are made of, I’m worried about the possibilities in his nightmares. He did a great job on the characters and there were a lot of recognizable actors involved with the project. You liked some of them and you hated some of them. John C. McGinley was especially rotten in the movie, and it was great to see his character die. Gunn’s brother Sean has a nice little role, as does fellow Guardians of the Galaxy “Reaver”, Michael Rooker. Tony Goldwyn was the boss in the film, and even though he could have been considered the bad guy, the cleverness of the script makes you wonder, as he was doing everything he did for his own survival.
My only complaint about The Belko Experiment was that it was a little slow because of the great character development. I would almost have preferred it just went to the crazy action right away. The action when it did happen was pretty crazy, and the effects were quite good for what is clearly an elevated indie film. The final scene was pretty predictable, from who would be the sole survivor, to how they would deal with their captors. Still, it was quite entertaining and a nice release. When I first heard of The Belko Experiment I was told it was going to be like Battle Royale meets Office Space, which I immediately made me think of the movie Operation: Endgame. In that film a team of spies have to kill each other in their own office building, using whatever they have around them, I was very glad that Belko wasn’t just another film like that. It was thought out very well, and was a lot more intelligent than you would think. Dark beyond belief, it won’t be for everyone, but I did enjoy it.
Bottom Line: I was very surprised to see Belko was put out by Orion Pictures, I had no idea that name was still around!
I loved The Lego Movie. This wasn’t The Lego Movie. The Lego Batman Movie was written for kids, but didn’t have enough “adult humour” to hold my attention like The Lego Movie did. Sure there were lots (and lots) of references to other Batman properties and a horde of other pop culture sources, but the humour wasn’t very clever in my opinion, in fact I thought it was pretty juvenile. It didn’t make Batman cool, or funny, I thought it really just made the character look silly at the end of it all. Sure there was humour, and I did laugh, but this one is definitely more aimed at kids.
It’s funny that I say it’s aimed at kids because there were a lot of inside jokes and nods to the audience that I don’t think kids would get. Maybe the film is aimed at everyone, but the humour is just for the kids? I guess I did appreciate a lot of the inside jokes. You’ve got Billy Dee Williams voicing Two-Face, which is great because he was the original Harvey Dent in the first Michael Keaton/Tim Burton Batman movie back in 1989, and Harvey Dent become Two-Face. The airplane at the beginning of the movie is the “McGuffin 1138”, referencing both THX-1138 and cleverly mixing in “McGuffin” which of course is the theatrical term for an something which is important to the characters but is actually immaterial to the plot. They even brought in the “Bat Shark Repellent” from the 1966 Batman movie, and they even show clips of ’66s Adam West Batman. Early on, The Joker says that his plan is not like the “two boats” plan or “the parade with the Prince music” which refers to The Dark Knight where he hijacks two boats and threatens to blow them up, and to Burton’s Batman, where the Joker has a parade to distract Gotham from his schemes.
Will Arnett who plays Batman and Michael Cera who voices Robin also played uncle and nephew (respectively) in Arrested Development, and Rosario Dawson voices Barbara Gordon/Batgirl. I’m not sure why they had Eddie Izzard voice Voldemort when Ralph Fiennes was in the film as Alfred, and he actually played Voldemort in the Harry Potter films. Why not have Izzard voice Alfred instead of Fiennes? You can definitely tell that Arnett loves the role as he does put everything he’s got into his Lego Batman performances. From the bonus features of the Blu Ray, you could see that the other cast members were also excited to be immortalized in 1 ½” of Lego plastic.
At the end of it all the movie was enjoyable, but I don’t think it will become a “classic”.
Bottom Line: Lego Batman Movie didn’t make me want to play with LEGOs like The Lego Movie did.
God exists, and he lives in Belgium. And he’s a bit of a jerk… God also has a family, we know his son (J.C.), but he also has a wife (Yolande Moreau) and a daughter Ea (Pili Groyne). This story focuses on Ea, who has become increasingly upset with the way her father treats mankind. God sits in his office making up new rules on his computer (when you get into a bath, the phone will ring; when you’re in line, the other line will move faster) solely to torment the world. One day when God has fallen asleep on the couch watching the hockey game (is this a Belgian film or a Canadian one?) Ea takes his keys, breaks into his office, and locks him out of his computer, but before she locks it, she releases the predetermined “death dates” to everyone on Earth to frustrate her father. To avoid her father’s wrath, or I guess to avoid the “Wrath of God” she escapes to Earth from Heaven (which is a rundown apartment) via the spin cycle of their washing machine…
Once on Earth, Ea sets out with a homeless man as her scribe to find six disciples to add to her big brother’s twelve. With twelve, the disciples were a hockey team (her father’s favourite sport), but now with eighteen, they’re a baseball team which is her mother’s favourite sport. The scribe will write a Brand New Testament and it will be based on the lives of ordinary people. Now that everyone knows when they will die, their lives and how they choose to live the rest of them are drastically altered. Some for better, some for worse. Some sadly, and some humourously. Risks that would never be taken are risked, and friendships that would never have been made are made. Some of them, for life.
Okay, it was good, but it was very French. If you don’t like films like Amélie then you probably won’t like Brand New Testament. The camera work, the lighting, the quirkiness of the characters, the cynicism and the absurdity, all ooze off the screen in a very European way. Along the way we get touching stories about the chosen disciples that go from humourous to darkly sad in a few short frames. Good performances from everyone with touching moments along the way, but the individual stories weren’t quite long enough for me. Overall, it was entertaining, but I think it lacked focus and it wasn’t as carefree as I hoped.
Bottom Line: What would you do if you knew exactly how much time you had left to live?
Since I missed seeing John Wick Chapter 2 in theatres and it was still a while until it came to Blu Ray, I was in the mood for a good action movie. I saw the trailer for Gridlocked and it looked interesting enough. Maybe an action packed update of Hollywood Homicide or Showtime where you have a real cop with an actor on a ride along to learn how to be a cop for their upcoming movie. Well, this was kind of like that. Cody Hackman plays Brody Walker, an actor who gets in trouble with the law one time too many, and is forced to ride along with a cop (Dominic Purcell) who is rehabbing after being wounded in the line of duty, but eager to rejoin his old SWAT team. David Hendrix (Purcell) brings Walker to his old, top secret, high security training facility one night, but he picked the night that a team of mercenaries are breaking into the facility to steal seized criminal assets held as evidence.
The trailer made the action look pretty decent, and it was. Completely over the top and full of cliches, it was an exciting film, but not overly original or surprising. The lead criminal is a former SWAT agent himself? You don’t say. Hendrix used to be on the same team as the bad guy? Really? Someone on the current team is probably in league with the bad guys? I never would have guessed it. Oh, wait. I did guess it. And I guessed who it was, and I guessed how the good guys got the bonds away from the bad guys. I guess it wasn’t really that bad, but I just managed to predict everything that happened. The action and the stunts were fun, the characters were probably a little underdeveloped, and for the most part the acting was good. I’d definitely call this a B-movie action film, but they still managed to get a decent cast. Dominic Purcell carried the story as the lead, but it was nice to see Danny Glover who was effectively in an extended cameo role, as well as action staple Vinnie Jones and former WWE wrestler Trish Stratus.
It seems that most of the action movies in recent years have the same style of action, and Gridlocked was no different. Sure it was exciting, but you knew the fist fights would be MMA inspired, and the shootouts would be what they always have been. It may have been a fairly simple, fairly mindless popcorn action flick, but it was still entertaining.
Bottom Line: Danny Glover’s been too old for this shit for thirty years now…That’s right, Lethal Weapon came out in 1987. Let that sink in.