I didn’t create this but I did find this years and years ago printed in the Brock Press, the university newspaper, and though it’s not quite as pertinent now as it was in 1996, I still saved it, and present it here now for your enjoyment:
The Top 100 reasons why Captain Kirk is better than Captain Picard…
100 . Kirk is a leader, not a follower.
99. Kirk never really got into that kinky JUMPSUIT look.
98. Kirk has sex more than once a season.
97. One word. Hair.
96. Another word: Pretty-good-looking-can’t-see-the-weave-WIG.
95. Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed.
94. Picard is a French man with an English accent.
93. Kirk would date Beverly Crusher — and damn the consequences!!
92. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.
91. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.
90. Kirk would personally throw Wesley off the bridge.
89. Two words. Shoulder Roll.
88. Kirk doesn’t wear dresses when Admirals arrive for lunch.
87. Kirk once said, “I’ve got a belly-ache — and it’s a beauty.”
86. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis.
85. Kirk can almost drive a stick shift.
84. Kirk, almost single handedly, re-populated the Earth’s whale population.
83. Kirk says “Prime Directive? What Prime Directive?”
82. Kirk knows 20th century curses.
81. Kirk was NEVER infiltrated by the Borg and used against the Federation.
80. Kirk ate little coloured cubes and still remained relatively healthy.
79. Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology.
78. Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain tactical advantage.
77. Kirk wasn’t shy about taking his shirt off — even around those pesky Yeomans.
76. Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like Dixon Hill.
75. Kirk never once stood up and straightended his shirt.
74. One word. Velour.
73. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at chess.
72. When Kirk was Picard’s age, he retired from Admiral and took to climbing rocks.
71. When Picard was 37, he was only Captain of the lowly freighter Stargazer. When Kirk was 37, he was Captain of the flagship Enterprise.
70. Kirk liked a good belt of liquor every now and again.
69. One word. Iman.
68. Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt.
67. If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head and shit down it’s neck.
66. Kirk says “Shoot first and wait for retaliation.”
65. Kirk’s first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge.
64. Kirk never leaves the room to bawl someone out.
63. Kirk doesn’t rely on the wisdom of some dumb old janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.
62. Two words. Funky sideburns.
61. Kirk never asks his bartender for advice.
60. Kirk never once said “Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!”
59. Kirk is not politically correct.
58. Kirk never got “dumped” by a woman for an intergalactic busy body named after a letter of the alphabet.
57. Kirk never wore green tights and frollicked about in Sherwood forest.
56. If there was ever a Klingon on Kirk’s bridge, Kirk would be dead.
55. Ever hear of a bar shooter called, “Make it so”? No? How about a “Beam me up Scotty”? See the difference?
54. One word. Miniskirts.
53. Kirk’s girlfriends always looked good in soft light.
52. Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guys in red shirts.
51. Kirk’s first officer didn’t play some wimpy instrument like the trombone.
50. Kirk had more dates than his first officer.
49. The extent of Kirk’s knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can roughly be translated as, “GO FUCK YOURSELF.”
48. If something doesn’t speak English — it’s toast.
47. Kirk wasn’t some prissy archeology fan.
46. Picard’s middle name isn’t as tought or awe-inspiring as Tiberius.
45. If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up.
44. Picard never met Joan Collins.
43. Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet.
42. Picard hasn’t fathered any children; Kirk–probably millions.
41. Kirk has a cool phaser — not some pansy Braun mix-master.
40. Two words. Line delivery.
39. Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing grapes with
his toes, while Kirk slung bales of wheat and hay in Iowa to put
himself through school.
38. Kirk emphasizes his orations with pertinent hand gestures.
37. Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulphur, potassium nitrate,
charcoal and then fired diamonds into the hearts of his enemies.
(Need we say more?)
36. Kirk is not put off by green skin.
35. Kirk knows how to deal with peace loving hippie goofs.
34. Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won.
33. Kirk barely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he asks Spock only.
32. Kirk doesn’t let the doctor tell him what to do.
31. One word. Fisticuffs.
30. Kirk’s name is hated throughout the galaxy.
29. Kirk appreciates Shakespeare, but he doesn’t let it show.
28. You can never lock up Kirk for very long.
27. Kirk’s eulogies can actually make you cry.
26. Kirk plays god with lesser countries, and then exploits them for their resources.
25. Kirk’s son would never drop out to become a musician.
24. Kirk can climb up a Jefferies tube and fix anything.
23. Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses.
22. The Klingons didn’t have a word for surrender — until they met Kirk.
21. Kirk’s bridge is not beige.
20. Two words. Crane shots.
19. Picard likes wimpy violin music — and coerces Data into playing it.
18. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute things like tribbles.
17. Kirk is a cultural icon — Picard is just some guy who is really nice.
16. Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge.
15. Kirk would never touch SYNTHANOL.
14. Kirk looked distinguished in reading glasses — and nobody dares call him “four eyes”
13. Kirk can infiltrate gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon — easily.
12. Picard likes painting nudes, for art’s sake.
11. When Kirk doesn’t trust the Romulans, he fires at them. When Picard doesn’t trust the Romulans, he gets fired at.
10. Kirk never once, ever, wore a wiener wrapping Speedo banana hammock on shore leave.
9. Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting ensign.
8. Kirk doesn’t test the engines — he just fires them up.
7. When Kirk says “Boldly Go”, he MEANS it.
6. Three words. Flying leg kick.
5. Picard’s crew would never ever think of him as a sexual object.
4. Kirk travelled through the Great Barrier, met God, and wasn’t even impressed.
3. Kirk’s bedroom is a passion pit with electric sheets.
2. Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a pony tail.
And Number 1….. One word. BALLS.